Seasonal

It’s like when you’re cold. In the pit of winter, with barely any sunlight. Most of your days you run from place to place because it’s too frigid outside to bear. You dread leaving the house. You know everyday you wake up will be the same bitter impact of the world. You look up at the sky for some hope, and all you see is gray. Everyday. Every day. Every. Day.

You begin to believe it will never end. That you will never get through this. Every day is the same. The same feeling given by the same auto-pilot response. You think what’s the point in being alive when I feel dead inside? Where do I turn to for help when nothing is alive? Your lips are chapped, your skin is dry and pale, you are constantly shivering and shaking, you have little to no energy or motivation, you are drained, and you are sick and tired. You are so damn tired of being sick and tired. Then comes the point of no hope. You’ve hit it. You’ve hit the bottom. In the darkest pit of winter, you’ve spent so long in the cold and still have so much cold left to endure.

You forget the feeling of warmth, you start to believe you’ll never truly be warm again. When you do feel some warmth, it’s never enough to subside the icy empty feeling within. It’s never enough to fill the void. You take and you take, because you have nothing left to give. But then you start to appreciate the little things, and I mean the little things like seeing the sun for 15 minutes once a week. Or only having to wear two layers instead of three! You gain gratitude during those small moments and patience. So much patience.

You may even begin to admire the strength of nature, how the seasons don’t cease or alter just because someone else wants them to.

Time slowly starts to pass and it gets slightly warmer, slightly brighter, slightly better. You begin to gain some motivation to help yourself, heal yourself from the frigid hell you’ve endured. There is a glimmer of hope, a slight shift. Nature slowly and subtly becomes alive again, and you feel that same blooming energy within. You can go outside without having to ran away from the bitter cold anymore. You feel the faint warmth of the sun hitting your colorless face as you slowly begin to thaw out. The trees start to turn light green and lavender-colored flowers begin to bloom. The sky becomes more light and airy, more frequently blue. Everything feels less dark, intense, and complicated. It’s the shedding of the old dead you and awakens the delicate flower blooming within. You feel change happening, transformational energy arising inside.

All of that momentum escalates into a peak when school is finally ends. The sun is out for majority of the day and it’s truly warm. No more escalating temperature drops or underlying crispy breeze creeping upon you. Now you’re free! Free to do whatever you please with your time. The freedom to be who you want to be, do what you want to do. The world feels limitless and yours. Every day gets better, every day feels lighter. You are no more deprived of warmth and light. This is what it’s like to feel alive, this is what it’s like to enjoy life again. Your heart is full and you’re truly happy. The highest of highs finally hits you and you feel on top of the world. Nothing can stop you. You feel limitless and that can do anything you set your mind to.

So there you are. It’s the middle of summer. The sun is beating down on your hot skin. You’re at the beach, baking in sunlight, listening to the waves crash onto the sand. The bright sun is so blinding you struggle to see around you. You are cautious of the hot sand from burning your feet. You run to dunk your legs into the water to cool down. You smile, take in it all, and breathe. You made it here, you’ve made it this far. And you thought you could never be warm again. 

…

The sun is blazing, burning your skin. You have to cover your face from the powerful light. You’re constantly sweating, the high humidity making it difficult to breathe. It becomes miserable spending time outside without an activity to cool you down. You seek out air conditioning, cold showers, ice cream, wearing less clothing. Anything to help temporarily chill the fire burning outside and within. You walk outside into what feels like an oven. Your only oasis is the cool fresh air from the ac. The grass dies, scorched by the sun. You crave to slow down, cool down, for life to be more chill and relaxed.

After roasting in the heat, you begin to feel a gentle breeze. A slight change in the temperature and with air you can breath without feeling like you’re suffocating. You are no longer sweating all of the time. Routines begin again, a contrast from the unbound freedom of the past few months. Life becomes more grounded, you begin to come back into yourself. Now is the time to admire the display of nature as the leaves transform into beautiful hues of red, orange, and yellow. Leaves dance elegantly along the wind as seeds are spread. The ground is covered in various shades of crunchy leaves.

The sun starts to set sooner, darkness spends an equal amount of time as the light. The wind blows a little colder, deterring you from staying out longer than needed. You spend more time indoors to avoid getting that chill all the way down into your bones. The nights get longer as you find yourself making any excuse to not go outside. Staying inside where it’s warm and comfortable day after day. And the cycle starts all over again. Remember when you wanted to cool down?

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Image by Danielle Noel