Trendy Spirituality

I grew up in a Catholic family in New Jersey and always felt different than those around me. As if I was out of place, that I didn’t belong. I didn’t fit into the mindset of those around me. What other people valued, cared about, their thought-patterns, beliefs, etc. So I suppressed down my personal interests and desires to fit in, because I loved people. I was an extrovert. I would constantly surrounded with other people as they provided me energy, inspiration, and happiness. After I experienced the same repeated betrayal pattern from different partners and friends, I saw it as a sign and began my journey into spirituality to help myself heal.

And it worked, with everything I ever wanted and more. I'd grown and learned so much within myself. And I loved it, more than anything, but no one cared. No one cared about what I cared about anymore. No one cared about personal growth, becoming a better version of themselves, they just wanted to know why Jessica was at that party last night. If I did speak from a different perspective or philosophy, I would be judged or made fun of for being too hippy or woowoo. No one understood me, and I no longer felt the same connection with anyone around me. Everything I now cared about they didn't and vise versa.

For a period of time, I was okay with that. I had myself, I knew myself, I listened to myself, so I was happy by myself. I felt in total utter bliss as if I was floating for months on end, feeling more spirit than human. I had a strong and beautiful relationship with myself, but no one understood me. Every time I spoke, people thought I was crazy. They did not understand my vocabulary or the concepts I spoke of. Eventually, I decided to keep to myself and became a hermit. For years I would only listen. I believed all I had was myself and at the time I would’ve much rather been mute than misunderstood or judged.

I felt so alone, for so many years. I felt unseen, unheard, unappreciated. I forced myself to enjoy being an introvert, because I felt I had no other choice. After some time, I had forgotten how to communicate with others. I wouldn't be able to express what I was thinking or feeling clearly. It was very difficult for me for some time, all I knew was how to stay quiet and in the peace of my own mind. I got so tired of being alone that I started to drift away from spirituality so I could connect with others again. To become more human again. Not because I genuinely wanted to, but because I was so goddamn lonely. I asked to come back into the matrix.

And so I did, and when I did, that was when spirituality became trendy. Spirituality became "cool" and majority of people wanted to get into it. As if the universe pulled a joke on me. A major part of what made me into who I am today, that means so much to me, was the part I struggled with to show to society. I struggled with judgement for so many years, feeling so alone and different than everyone else. And now everyone wants to learn it.

Majority of the things I learned during my spiritual journey, all of my experience and knowledge I never shared. I was so intelligent, but in the wrong ways according to society at the time. Everything I knew that I stored in my mind, after all of those years of not expressing or sharing that wisdom, it slowly began to fade. And now that knowledge is what people are willing to listen to with an open-mind and heart, and that kills me in a way.