I’m learning to unstuff myself
I used to desire candy.
There was something about it that I craved deep down. Maybe it was all the years I’ve gone without it, or the numerous times I desired my Halloween candy, but came back to it being in the trash. It was for my own good my mom would say, but you always want what you can’t have and you’ll always wonder what could’ve been. But I craved this candy, so as I got older I would eat it every so often and I would feel like utter shit after, but it tasted good.
I used to get drunk or high or both late at night. I would fall asleep soundly without any dreams or external noise. Sometimes it was for fun, other times I just wanted to feel something, and at others nothing at all. I would make these big meals right before bed such as a whole bag of popcorn or a pasta dinner. Why would you ask? And I can not fathom the words, but it was something to fill the void.
A void to feel needed, wanted. That your life is fun and risky and meaningful. It’s like staying up late as a kid, to rebel for whatever reason. To seem cool or to be proud of yourself. But don’t we realize these actions are all harmful to us? It’s all unhealthy behavior and to us as a society it seems “cool” and “fun” to harm ourselves. Most people don’t realize it’s self-sabotage. I mean it’s just one piece of candy, what can it really do? But think about it, why would we do this to ourselves?
You see, I was the generation that barely made it out of the technology-consumed world we now live in. I was basically the last year to have an actual childhood. To be present in the moment, to look around and observe the little synchronicities of life, and to be bored. When’s the last time you’ve been actually bored, genuinely truly bored with nothing to occupy you? Some of you might say right now reading this, but maybe others might say not in years.
We are in a fast-pasted, growing society that is constantly occupied. We are not allowed to just think or be anymore, not allowed to question or wonder, because all of the answers are right in front of us. You can just look something up on your phone or computer and bam there’s the answer. You see that’s the problem, where has our imagination gone? Where have all the diverse theories of life and stories disappeared to? Are we supposed to know the answers to everything now? No. But we as humans have created this society and believe we should, so we declare that we know everything.
The worrying, the fear of not knowing is a feeling people don’t want to experience anymore. They rather be told a pleasant lie than to dig deeper for the truth, because it’s comforting. It’s comforting to believe that some guy is up in the sky watching over us, guiding us, and not that we are all just biologically here because of evolution. It’s nice to believe in something.
To just let that wondering happen, to allow the not-knowing feeling be present within, is where you learn the most about yourself. The learn more about everything else around you, it’s where you truly can think and process life. We are all taught to fill the voids; the voids of not knowing, the voids of not feeling loved or wanted, our worthiness according to other people’s opinion, and so on. We are given phones, tv, food, alcohol, drugs, you pick your poison... but it’s all poison.
All distractions from keeping you from truly being you. From truly knowing yourself. Knowing why you feel the way you do, what’s affecting you, what no longer serves you, and what is actually good for you. Simple things that we no longer understand about ourselves, because there is no silence anymore. Lives filled with noise from others, always a new distraction.
And some might say the government or the matrix or like 1984 is why they provide us these tools to occupy and distract us from the actual reality of ourselves so we only believe the reality they’ve created for us. Or some might say that is delusional and trust everything, because that’s what brings them comfort. All I’m saying is don’t do what everyone else is doing. Don’t numb yourself and don’t believe it just because someone older than you or has a higher degree than you has told you. Question everything, keep an open mind, listen to yourself. Listen, and I mean truly listen, to other people’s stories as well.
Hear them from their perspectives and experiences, because you’ll never truly understand it from their exact point of view. Be present in whatever moment you’re in and take time for yourself to simply be. To be yourself, to be present, to be bored! And by cutting out the poison, unnumbing yourself and leaving the voids alone, in that silence is where you can truly listen. And my all the secrets you’ll hear ༄
Image by Danielle Noel